Giving up smoking… again
OK this time it’s for good, I’m giving up smoking… again.
OK then perhaps I should really say that I’m stopping smoking, but who knows for how long. But that’s quitter talk, hey but I want to be a quitter, so isn’t that good.
No really this time I should stop forever, if I don’t I could be stopping forever it may not be my choice that time.
I’ve been on and off the fags for ages, I tend to give up for thirty days or ninety days and then have a week of smoking again and then start again all over, it’s just no good. Every time I stop it gets harder and everytime I start I feel worse than the last time. I make excuses for myself, like the plumbing is leaking through the living room ceiling, or the multi-fuel burner turned out to be a woodburner – I’m renovating a house – and it’s straight back on the fags. A week or a couple of days of furious smoking and then I’m off again.
This time I was going to a festival and I know how I like to puff a ciggie at a festival, so a week ago I resigned myself to smoking again. I suffered too, I felt dreadful, I woke up the night after the festival feeling absolutely awful and it was only after having some Rennies and some Paracetamol that I got off to sleep only to awake with death breath and feeling like hell.
So really it’s just not good enough, I feel this routine of fitness then smoking is not healthy at all, the giving up, the fitness, the pink springy lungs then the nasty tar and crap and then start over. I might sound mad but I think in some ways that this is worse than just smoking incessantly. I need to stop.
This time I was looking forward to giving up, my breath was terrible, my voice was raspy, my throat hurt and my lungs felt all cramped. I’d bought too many fags for the festival, so I didn’t finish them until four in the morning on the morning of the 16th of March 2014, so that didn’t help too as I had to get up reasonably early the next morning. So yesterday I got up and feeling awful I put on a patch and tried my best to get through the day though I felt pretty awful. All day my lungs felt tight, my fingers were still stained, my mouth felt awful and my breath felt as though it would kill anyone within a few feet. The worrying thing through all this is that I really feel I’ve pushed my luck this time, I have an awful feeling that this might have been my last chance and I blew it, so hopefully this not being the case then I can crack it this time and start on a road to fitness and health.
Today I got up after a thorough bath and brush up yesterday, I cleaned my teeth to an inch of their life and my mouth still feels awful, my lungs still ache and my throat is still raspy, I hope I can get rid of this feeling soon as it’s really not good. I feel quite tired all the time too, yesterday I spent a lot of time asleep I just couldn’t muster up any energy. Today I was back at work and at one point I was in a college and had to go up three flights of stairs, at the top I was well out of puff, this isn’t good at all, this hasn’t ever happened to me before, I’m a runner damnit this I hope is only temporary.
This week it’s giving up smoking, next week it’s running.
The patches are working though, apart from one that fell off in the bath yesterday they’ve been good and have been keeping the mood swings at bay.
I just hope I have this last chance to make good again. I’m really annoyed too as I’d started running quite early this year and I was getting to a good pace, the weight had fallen off me and I was looking and feeling good, one pack of fags and hey ho here we go. All the good work down the drain.
And they’re so flipping expensive now too, my brand is (was) Marlboro and that nearly £9 a pack, in fact I saw a shop with them up for sale for £9 today, that’s a CD that is, at the rate I was sometimes smoking lately that was two packs a day.
And here’s my ex’ hard drinking matey having finished an IronMan over the weekend, I should be ashamed.
I just need to apply myself and have some discipline.